{"id":715,"date":"2011-03-03T20:25:55","date_gmt":"2011-03-03T20:25:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/niemanstoryboard.org\/2011\/03\/03\/march-editors-roundtable-mother-jones-looks-at-rape-in-haiti\/"},"modified":"2024-03-04T18:54:49","modified_gmt":"2024-03-04T18:54:49","slug":"march-editors-roundtable-mother-jones-looks-at-rape-in-haiti","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/niemanstoryboard.org\/2011\/03\/03\/march-editors-roundtable-mother-jones-looks-at-rape-in-haiti\/","title":{"rendered":"March Editors’ Roundtable: Mother Jones looks at rape in Haiti"},"content":{"rendered":" \n
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\n The\u00a0narrative for discussion in the second installment of our Editors\u2019\u00a0\u00a0Roundtable is \u201cWelcome to Haiti’s Reconstruction Hell<\/a>\u201d\u00a0by Mac McClelland. Appearing in Mother Jones earlier this year, the story was written after a visit in 2010 to survey the island’s post-quake recovery efforts. Clara Jeffery, one of two editors-in-chief at Mother Jones, edited the piece.

The narrative for the prior Roundtable<\/a> was one in which several reporters fed material to the writer, who had to synthesize it at a distance. This time, we thought it would be interesting to give our editors a piece in which the writer doing her own reporting was an intergral part of the story.

We\u2019ve also done a\u00a0Q-and-A with McClelland<\/a> about how the article came together, but here, we offer our editors\u2019 responses to the story. Comments appear in the order in which they were made. We asked editors to note what they thought did and didn’t work in the piece, and to explain why. At the end are some of their suggestions for additional reading. (For full bios on the editors, see\u00a0our January post<\/a> announcing the Roundtable.)

\"\"Maria Carrillo
Managing editor, The Virginian-Pilot<\/h3>
What works for me:

The descriptions \u2013 of rapes, of tent cities, of snatches of conversation. The details inspire a visceral reaction. At times, it\u2019s hard to keep reading, and yet, it should be, given the subject matter. I can conjure up sights and sounds and smells. It feels foreign, like much of the Third World, but also familiar, like the Gulf Coast after Katrina. What a horrible combination.

The writer\u2019s voice \u2013 I\u2019m not always a fan of a writer becoming a character in her own story, but here, it\u2019s quite effective. I can relate better to her personal experiences than to what\u2019s happening in Port-au-Prince. She is the outsider looking in, feeling fear and revulsion, as most Americans would. As a woman, too, she is particularly vulnerable, and that draws you closer to what life is like for Haitian girls.

What I would have approached differently:

Story needs a stronger narrative thread. Essentially, the author is the central character, and we follow her from place to place. She introduces us to individuals along the way who are surviving in hell. But the story feels patched together, not woven. A scene here, an anecdote there, some personal moments. It should have felt more like a journey, obviously to underscore the despair in Haiti, but also to build toward a call to action. The story should compel the reader to want to keep that 10-year-old from being raped.

\"\"Tom Huang
Sunday and enterprise editor, The Dallas Morning News<\/h3>
What worked for me:

The power of McClelland\u2019s piece lies in the detailed, ground-level interactions she has with people in Haiti. We come face to face with the hell of reconstruction not through abstract policy arguments, but through action and dialogue. McClelland describes this scene: One woman \u201cgets frustrated at some point while I\u2019m asking questions and says, \u2018We meet white people, and white people, and white people.\u2019 She starts raising her voice, and two of the other four put their hands out to calm her, literally holding her back, but smiling knowingly. White people make promises but nothing ever ever happens, she says.\u201d

As I read this piece, I couldn\u2019t help but think of the sexual assault of CBS News correspondent Lara Logan, and the ensuing media coverage. It takes courage to venture into dangerous territory and write from first-hand experience. So I admire McClelland for that. And I admire her instinct to put herself in the story \u2013 to show not only her vulnerability and fear, but her realization that while she can escape the chaos, many of the women she writes about cannot.

What I would have approached differently:

I agree with Maria that the story needs a stronger narrative thread. I think what would help in this area is a stronger set-up \u2013 a stronger first section. I\u2019m led to believe that the story is going to be focused on rape in the Haiti camps \u2013 and I want to learn more about that. But the story begins to lose its focus, moving away from the rapes, toward other reconstruction problems.

\"\"Jacqui Banaszynski
Knight Chair professor, Missouri School of Journalism<\/h3>
Three strengths to learn from:

Effective use of first-person.<\/strong> McClelland didn\u2019t make the story about her but used herself to force me \u2013 the safe American who can\u2019t really grasp the enormity of horror in Haiti \u2013 to experience a sliver of it by sharing her own: puking in her mouth, spitting out the taste and smell of shit, getting blind drunk at night, being too afraid to open her hotel window despite the heat. First-person can be incredibly powerful when it doesn\u2019t turn the light on the reporter, but uses the reporter as a brighter light with which to see.

End-of-section gut-punch lines<\/strong> after long, dense passages. How people sleep standing up so they won\u2019t \u201cwake up drowning.\u201d\u00a0That \u201cthere are no trees\u201d\u00a0in Cesselesse and \u201cwhen it rains, the gravel floods.\u201d That the 10-year-old would not be the youngest rape victim \u2013 by eight years.

Authority that allows compression and depth<\/strong>. McClelland\u2019s knowledge is obvious and lets her dense-pack backstory and context so readers get an immersion into the issue rather than just into description and emotion.

Editor\u2019s tweak:

Even stronger and more varied pacing<\/strong>. The overall style of long, dense, multi-clause sentences made for a harder-than-necessary read. More important, it allowed some essential information to get lost in the thicket.

A less-abrupt ending. <\/strong>It was powerful as hell as a metaphor, but came on too suddenly.

\"\"Tom Shroder
Founding editor, www.storysurgeons.com<\/h3>
The best thing about this piece: the raw, shocking, powerful honesty of this phrase in the opening: \u201cthey kept her on the ground and forced themselves inside her until she felt something tear, as they saw that she was bleeding and decided to go on, and on, and on.\u201d Note that it is made up of 32 words, 26 of which are one syllable, five of two syllables and just one of three syllables. That such horror can come from such simplicity just about says it all.

(The lead isn\u2019t perfect. The gang rape is prompted because she \u201ctried to intervene\u201d in another attack, but the writer fails to give any detail about what had to be a very dramatic moment that revealed an enormous amount \u2013 the nature of the attempted intervention itself.)

Unfortunately, the spare power and drive of the narrative begins to waver, and then the writer falls into a trap that has snared many a young foreign correspondent: getting caught up in the drama of her own reportage. There are multiple instances of this,\u00a0but the most egregious is when she says of a man she meets,\u00a0\u201che\u2019s not the kind of rich Haitian man who … tells me at the bar I should have sex with him because he\u2019s the nice sort of guy who loses an erection when a woman starts to fight him off.\u201d

She means it as a reference to general attitudes about rape, but I doubt the writer\u2019s encounters in hotel bars have much to do with the barbarism of rape in the refugee camps.

\"\"Paige Williams
Narrative writing instructor, Nieman Foundation<\/h3>
Yes:

1. McClelland reveals a problem I didn\u2019t even know existed on such a horrific scale.

2. Reporting the reality of desensitization adds an important contextual layer: \u201c\u2026I really can\u2019t imagine someone not getting raped under those circumstances, no.\u201d

3. Lovely nuggets (\u201cThe tarps are being torn from their tethers by the gusts\u201d and the entire graf that begins \u201cBut \u2018tent\u2019 isn\u2019t accurate either.\u201d) plus smart authorial restraint. \u201cAt 10, she wouldn\u2019t be the youngest reported rape victim from the camps. Not by eight years.\u201d is powerful for the way she backed into the information, for the inclusion of the word \u201creported,\u201d and for punctuation after \u201ccamps.\u201d The \u201cNot by eight years\u201d made me shut my eyes in sickness.

Hmm:

1. Technically, this piece isn\u2019t a narrative; it\u2019s a news feature. I\u2019d be interested to know whether the writer envisioned a narrative. Because to write narrative one must report for narrative<\/span>. A bit of planning, even mid-reporting, could have generated the focus the piece needed.

2. Closer line editing could\u2019ve moved the language closer to precision. \u201cIt only rains for 10 minutes\u201d should be \u201cIt rains for only 10 minutes.\u201d Clich\u00e9 radar could\u2019ve helped too. I flinch at a \u201csea of\u201d anything (in this case tarps) but also \u201creduced to rubble,\u201d etc. Small edits can charge even the simplest sentence, such as the one ending the amputees section:

As written: \u201cYeah, that\u2019s a problem,\u201d he says.<\/em>

Arguably more powerful, for the beat it contains: \u201cYeah,\u201d he says, \u201cthat\u2019s a problem.\u201d<\/em>

\"\"Chris Hunt
Assistant managing editor, Sports Illustrated<\/h3>
I agree with the comments about the story\u2019s many powerful scenes \u2013\u00a0the gang rape, the squalor of the camps, the skinny guy frantically searching for a cop to help him fend off thugs \u2013\u00a0and about the courage of the author in going to Haiti to report under such trying and dangerous circumstances. Much of the piece is vivid and shocking and will stay with me for a long time.

I also agree that the story needs a stronger narrative structure. I was never quite sure where the author was leading me; the article has an unfocused, anecdotal quality. Beyond that, I felt that the author\u2019s intrusions in the narrative sometimes undercut its strength. Speculating about Alina\u2019s motives for trying to stop the rape (\u201cMaybe it was because she has three daughters of her own; maybe it was some altruistic instinct\u201d) interrupts a scene of harrowing power; the comment \u201ceasy as pie\u201d is jarring after \u201cgangs of rapists slice through the sides of tents all over the city to steal a woman\u201d; and the joke about \u201cMy Heart Will Go On\u201d undermines the paragraph on water-related health problems.

In general, I think the first person should be used sparingly in journalism. There are compelling reasons to use it in this story, but some of the author\u2019s experiences are digressive \u2013\u00a0the opening to the cocktails scene with Mike (\u201cHe likes me because … I like him because …\u201d) serves no discernible purpose \u2013\u00a0and occasionally they give the impression that the article is less about conditions in Haiti than about the author\u2019s reactions to them and about her adventures in the country. I think a stronger hand in editing could have helped her avoid that.

The ending is very effective: the mud oozing between the tiles, the distressing \u201cnot by eight years,\u201d people shaking like the earth during the earthquake. Strong stuff.

\"\"Laurie Hertzel
Senior editor for books and special projects, Star Tribune<\/h3>
I like:\u00a0 The way she writes with great confidence and authority. Her almost novelistic approach to the lede, especially the way she gets inside Alina\u2019s head. (\u201cToo many to count.\u201d \u201cUntil she felt something tear.\u201d) Her lovely way of tucking facts into sentences, deftly, and explaining acronyms without bogging things down. First person and present tense, which make the story unfold for me in real time; I feel like I\u2019m learning things at the same time the writer is. I love some of her tidy, wise sentences. (\u201cTension is the only thing being built.\u201d)

I\u2019m going to disagree with those who say the story needs a stronger narrative thread. I thought it worked well, leading me, confused, increasingly more and more horrified, from place to place, seeing Haiti through McClelland\u2019s eyes, smelling it and tasting it. The story was about what is going on in Haiti, but it also has the secondary theme of the cluelessness of America, even the do-gooders (like Sean Penn) who send money and think they\u2019re helping. And so McClelland\u2019s reactions stood, for me, as the reaction of America.

I also love the tight passion that fills this story. (\u201cAnd if you, white girl, think you\u2019re going to be useful\u2026\u201d)

Tweaks: I admit to getting a little lost in the Mike section, not clearly understanding who he was, exactly, and I think the ending could have been stitched in more deftly. It has a great closing quote, and I was glad to bring the story back to Alina and the rapes, but it felt tacked on in haste. With massaging, she would have gotten there.

\"\"Kelley Benham
Enterprise editor, St. Petersburg Times<\/h3>
The strength of this piece lies in the scenes. In its strongest moments, there is a precision to the placement of elements, a logic to the order of things. The opening draws power as it follows one character along a clear simple line, chronologically, never crossing into hyperbole.

As a whole, the story loses that precision. There is a narrative thread \u2013 the writer\u2019s journey \u2013 but that thread feels circumstantial. In a narrative, keeping the reader focused takes planning. The reporting here led to multiple cities, multiple characters, and multiple issues. The writer has to think hard about how to introduce those elements, how to move smoothly from one to the next, and which to leave out.

In a grueling grad school narrative class, Jon Franklin<\/a> drilled us on the 5 orienting threads that keep readers from getting lost. I failed the class, but I remember the threads, sometimes in the panic of a flashback. Time. Place. Character. Subject. Mood. The more frequently you shift these elements, and the more of them you shift at one time, the more confusion you create. This story loses its way when it jumps from character to character, place to place, acronym to acronym too abruptly or without reason. It becomes particularly jarring when it loops through time, instead of sticking to the simple chronology that tells us where we came from and where we are going.

Like many long narratives, this one does it right in the tight spaces, but loses control as the frame expands.

Additional reading suggestions from the group:<\/strong>

Tom Huang recommends\u00a0Tracy Kidder\u2019s book on Paul Farmer\u2019s work in Haiti, \u201cMountains Beyond Mountains,\u201d\u00a0as well as\u00a0Kelly McBride\u2019s Poynter column<\/a> about the Logan story and the media\u2019s coverage of sexual assault.

Tom Shroder recommends David Finkel\u2019s \u201cExodus: One Woman\u2019s Choice<\/a>.\u201d

Stay tuned for the next installment in early April. In the meantime, if you have a piece you\u2019d like to see our editors dissect, please send it along to contact_us@niemanstoryboard.org. The story has to be already published, available online and strong enough to stand up to\u00a0tough love.\n <\/div>\n <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The\u00a0narrative for discussion in the second installment of our Editors\u2019\u00a0\u00a0Roundtable is \u201cWelcome to Haiti’s Reconstruction Hell\u201d\u00a0by Mac McClelland. Appearing in Mother Jones earlier this year, the story was written after a visit in 2010 to survey the island’s post-quake recovery efforts. Clara Jeffery, one of two editors-in-chief at Mother Jones, edited the piece. The narrative […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3352,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"topics":[],"authors":[24],"issue":[],"class_list":["post-715","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-essays-on-craft","authors-andrea-pitzer"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMarch Editors' Roundtable: Mother Jones looks at rape in Haiti - Nieman Storyboard<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/niemanstoryboard.org\/2011\/03\/03\/march-editors-roundtable-mother-jones-looks-at-rape-in-haiti\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"March Editors' Roundtable: Mother Jones looks at rape in Haiti - Nieman Storyboard\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The\u00a0narrative for discussion in the second installment of our Editors\u2019\u00a0\u00a0Roundtable is \u201cWelcome to Haiti’s Reconstruction Hell\u201d\u00a0by Mac McClelland. 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